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Don't Make Me Start Counting!
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| By: Ronald Huxley |
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Don't Make Me Start Counting!
by Ron Huxley of http://parentingtoolbox.com/
Copyright 2005
"If by the count of three, you don't have your get your shoes on for
school, there is not going to be any television for the rest of the
day!" This was an all too common refrain in my home when my children
were growing up. I would warn them and warn them and warn them but
still they dragged their feet in the mornings before school.
Do you warn your child to behave and yet they continue to do what
they please? Verbal warnings can be an effective tool in disciplining
children but they are often used incorrectly, frustrating parents and
children. Here are some six points to consider to help parents use
verbal warnings effectively:
1. Verbal warnings are simply that: Warnings! They are not directives
or threats although many parents use them as if they were. A
directive or command would be: "Go to your room, take out the trash,
or turn off the television." Verbal warnings are to be used AFTER a
directive or command, to remind and motivate a child. Parents also
use verbal warnings as threats of punishment. Again, this just
confuses the situation. Say what you mean or don't say it all. You
will get better results that way.
2. Verbal warnings allow children time to follow a task or make an
adjustment to a parental request. It is not designed to allow a child
to wait until the last second before complying with a parent. I knew
I had a problem with my children when I would count to three to get
them going in the mornings for school and they would just sit in
front of the television, lifeless and still, until I said "two"
or "three." At the sound of that number, they would spring to life
and run to get their shoes on or get in the car. If they could get up
and run at two or three, why couldn't they move at one? That's when I
stopped counting and they started getting to school on time.
3. Verbal warnings must have a consequence if it is to be effective.
I have heard parents stretch a three count out to ten or more beats
by saying "two and a half, two and three quarters, etc." This teaches
the child that parents are not to be taken seriously and that they
have no real consequences to deliver. The consequences should be
clearly stated up front BEFORE you give a warning. And, it should be
firmly enforced after the warnings have been given. A few minutes in
the time-out chair or an extra chore should do the trick to show you
mean business.
4. Verbal warnings require that parents also provide verbal praise
for positive behaviors. What incentive does a child have to follow
parent's directions if all he or she has are warnings of
consequences? True behavioral change occurs when there is a balance
between punishments and rewards. Parents should give verbal praise
for any behavior other than the one they are warning against. Simply
state: "Great job," "Thank you," or "I appreciate your help" for each
and every effort at positive behavior. If done enough, parents might
even find they don't need to give a warning.
5. Verbal warnings can be given without any words at all. Parent's
warnings can be visual as well as verbal. Three methods that use
visual as well as verbal formats are Check Marks, Colors, and
Numbers.
The Check Mark Method uses checks marks after a child's name to warn
them they are getting close to a serious consequence. Parents can
place these check marks in a highly visible place to incorporate peer
pressure when siblings are around or just serve as a visual reminder.
Start with writing the child's name on a sheet of paper or memo board
for the child's first mistake. This is followed by two or three check
marks next to the child's name with consequences listed for each
check mark. The more check marks the more severe the consequence.
Parents can also use the Color Method by cutting out colored shapes
or using colored stickers or markers after a child's name. The
colored stickers and markers operate in the same manner as the Check
Mark Method above. Each sticker or colored line represents a more
serious consequence. Colored shapes are used to visually remind a
child how serious their behavior is to the parent. Using the American
traffic signal system, parents can cut out a green circle, yellow
circle, and red circle. For a first offense or reminder, put up the
green circle. This signals that the child's privileges are still
a "go." If a child's misbehaves or refuses to follow a parent's
direction, the yellow circle is put up in place of the green one.
This indicates that the child is on "thin ice" and needs to slow down
or be careful not to lose a privilege. If the child doesn't heed the
green and yellow warnings, then he or she is given a red circle,
stopping all privileges from that point on. This reversal of taking
privileges away versus warning of punishment is an effective strategy
for some children who don't pay attention to the parents "traffic"
signals.
The Number Method can also follow the Check Mark Method by placing
numbers after a child's name for consequences or parents can use
plain 3 x 5 cards with large numbers written on the front and a
consequence listed on the back. When a child does not follow a
parent's direction, he or she must pull a card and complete the
consequence written on the back of it. Some parents use multiple
number 1, 2, and 3 cards with various consequences written on the
back and allow the child to choose their own consequence, one for
each level. After the child has gotten a number 1 card for the day,
they will pick a number 2 card for the next undesirable behavior
during that same day and so forth. Each card has a consequence that
must be completed. Perhaps it is a ten-minute time-out or missing out
on a privilege. A new day means having a clean slate with the child
starting at number 1 again. This method reminds the child of their
responsibilities by making them the enforcer of their own
consequences.
Verbal warnings help parents discipline their children by increasing
their compliance with parental directions. The primary goal is to
teach children how to be self-responsible. In addition, it allows
parents to balance there parenting styles by giving the permissive
parent a concrete tool to set limits with and the authoritarian
parent a way to delegate responsibility back on the child. Like most
tools, verbal warnings have their weaknesses and their strengths. Use
this tool wisely and you will find it makes the parenting chore a
little easier. If you don't...well, let's just say I warned you!
About the Author
Ron Huxley is the author of the book "Love & Limits: Achieving a
Balance in Parenting." Visit his website at
http://parentingtoolbox.com and get expert advice on anger
management, mental health, and parenting issues.
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